Randomosities...

Hello again.

Wasn't really sure what to blog about today or where exactly this post would lead due to my crazy state of mind today, so we'll see when we get there I guess.

I'm feeling kind of down lately.  I'm guessing it's because I haven't done any "Amber" things in I don't even know how long.  My determination to blog again is an attempt to try and start writing again.  See, for those of you who don't know, I used to write a lot and I rather enjoy it.  And I've had a couple things published - two poems and several articles in newspapers.  Surprised?  Yeah, I bet you are.  And the sad part is for the most part I feel like the things I've had published aren't even some of my good stuff, especially the poems.  The articles made good points in what I call my silently rebellious perspective.  So I'd really like to try and get into that again.  I still deep down have my dream of publishing a couple short stories I've written as children's books, so we'll see when/if that ever happens.

I really need to find a way to balance this mommy/Amber thing, although I'm not sure how.  I keep struggling with this.  Any time I'm away from G I tend to feel guilty.  I feel like I already don't spend enough time for her and I keep telling myself quality vs. quantity, but it doesn't help all that much to be honest especially when I think of trying to leave and have some time to myself.  Unfortunately this results in me feeling even more frustrated and down.  Then, on top of it all I have a hard time asking/letting other people watch G and I think this is mostly because of how people have reacted in the past.  I get comments about how she can be fussy (which is funny because around me she's rarely fussy unless she's tired...) or people are just mortified by the whole breast milk bottle thing.  And while we're talking about that, if I were to be able to get out of the house myself, if I'm going to be gone more than 5 or 6 hours, I have to bring the pump.  Man, nursing is so challenging sometimes - I can see why so many people give up.  But I'm determined, so it's a battle I fight every day.

I really miss Amber.  I miss writing, drawing, hanging out with my friends (without a baby in tow), and having some time to myself to read a book or just do something that isn't mommy related or a chore.  Sometimes I feel like this is just way to much to ask...Is it?  Am I being too critical of myself?  I'm so confused.

Then, like any mother (I'm assuming other mothers feel this way...or maybe I'm really losing it) there's always that constant nagging feeling of if I'm doing things right and what others think of me.  I think it would be nice to receive some praise for what I'm doing sometimes.  My wonderful daycare provider sent me a note a while back to tell me she thought I was doing a good job and it just made me feel so great inside.  I think all parents need to hear this more - we really need to stop judging each others decisions and spend more time praising each other.

So with that said, for the one person I know reads by blog (thanks Bean - I love you!...and miss you terribly!) and for anyone else who might stumble across it or read it when I share this on facebook I challenge you to give five compliments out by the end of this week - bonus points for giving them to five different people.  Let me know how it goes - how do they react and how did it make you feel?

~A

PS - I have to drive tomorrow to Boston which causes me great anxiety (irrational I know, but still), so hopefully I survive to blog another day.